back ! and ...

sian , ii donthab the feelings of blogging last few days ..
whn i was at home i got a sense of LOST
lost somewher ...
feel rly rly weird !! and i started thinking ...
" do i hab fwens ? "
" do my fwen treat me as a fwen lyk wad i hab treated dem ? "
" fwen , wad is it ?? "
" does my fwen now treat me as one of dem ? "
ok. ii dontknow why this typeof feelings and questions came back to me ?!!
but iii rly hate thinking this type of questions ,
bcos ii can nver find an answer to it !!
andand by treating others gud cn i get the same type of treatment back ?
i rly rly wonder ...
starting frm the holidaes i hab been acting extra abnormally ..
ii hab been treating pipo veh nicely , getting to knoe more fwens , try to be fwens wid my classmates .. but , i wan to assk !! am i wrong to do tat ??!!
thinking away tat they dont even wan me as a fwen or even just classmtes .. ii m just a strangers talking there , trying to be gud wid dem bcos of wadever reasons ..
but ii dont !! ii wan hab dem as a fwen bcos i need fwens and they are just as impt of being a part of me .
they dont care even i m dead.
i think i can understand bcos i am not thier fwens ,
i can understand as i m not impt ,
i can understadn bcos is better for me to be gne ..
wadever reasons .. ii can understand ..
ii had been trying rly hard to be a better person , a more friendier person ..
but can aniione tell me .. is it a failure or success ...
but for wad i get ... is failure after failure ...
during occasions i've been alone ..
during celebrations i feel lonely ..
wadever i did was wrong totally wrong ..
ii dont feel anii right in me !!
ii dont want tat kind of feelings to come .. no and nver ..
too bad , tat kind of feelings and thoughts still existed in me ..
onli waes to get tat away is ................... is ........
to feel the warm which fwens and family give ..
but can i ??!!!
- i doubt it -